I get nostalgic sometimes. Like everytime I flip through the channels on my retard aquarium and see fat people working out or tards singing. I remember a time when reality TV was pretty much nonexistent and music didn’t all suck taint. The motherfucking 1990′s.
The ’90s were sweet as fuck. Yeah, there was a lot of lame shit, but there was mostly awesome shit. Napster. Gangsta Rap. The OJ chase. Michael Jordan. A balanced federal budget. Clinton getting BJ’s.
But nothing was bigger than AIDS.
AIDS was on top of the world. It had benefit concerts, red carpet premiers with A-list celebrities, music videos, hell it even had cameos on campy sitcoms.
AIDS was a superstar in Hollywood. In 1993, it won the Oscar for best actor for fucking ravaging Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. Hanks, one of the greatest actors of our time, was so commited to the role he literally got AIDS in his butt to be more convincing in that role. Tom Hanks is resilient, so just like Magic Johnson he outlived the disease.
It’s edgy to hate cops. I don’t. Because I don’t break fucking laws. That’s a lie. Public intoxication is the shit.
Realistically, I don’t hate cops because I’m not a teenager or minority. As a white male, I gotta get caught red-handed killing or raping for the police to give two fucks. Meanwhile, a brother can get stopped just for driving through the
wrong right neighborhood. Cops in every galaxy are dicks. Not my problem.
I have no problem with cops. Unless they’re fat cops. Strap a badge on a foodblister and he’ll merely protect and serve by grossing me the fuck out.
Look at this useless weeble wobble:
What if this fucking elephant gets in a shoot out? Who the fuck is gonna miss him? He’s only useful in situations where the criminals are also morbidly bloated slobs. Or in wheelchairs. Or both.
When it comes to football season, there are two types of broads out there. Those who don’t care about football and those who pretend to care about football. Both types seek to annoy the fuck out of you when the games are on.
First up, the women who don’t give a fuck about football. It’s natural for a woman to not care about sports because sports are the fucking shit and women only like stupid crap: cooking, parenting and tampons. How do I know this? I saw Pinterest one time.
Unfortunately, 2012 was a banner year for mass murder in ‘Merica. Between the Batman and Sandy Hook killers, we’ve had an overabundance of senseless violence. Killing isn’t even a blip on the media’s radar unless there’s a double digit body count. Like clockwork, the liberal pussies and right-wing ‘Mericans simultaneously call for the elimination/proliferation of guns, leaving the rest of us wondering: what about the fucking tards?
The anti-gun crowd is dumb as fucking dog shit. What if we could go back in time and un-invent modern weaponry? Imagine a world without guns. John Lennon’s corpse just ejaculated on itself. No one in ‘Merica has a gun, no one in ‘Merica can kill a shitfuckton of people really goddamn quick. (Except Timothy McVeigh, or any other mass murdering tard with advanced knowledge of the explosive properties of fertilizer.) But you know what this would take? A FUCKING TIME MACHINE. Now, if I have a Delorean with a Flux-Capacitor I’m taking Grays Sports Almanac back to 1955 and dong slaying hookerskanks on piles of cash. Fuck your gun problems.